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Roundtable: On The Eve Of War


Since it's generally agreed that we're on the eve of war, Garlic wonders what the roundtable thinks. As the days go on the call to war grows louder and hotter. The allies seem to be forming a pincer movement on the sole force on the other side, so the outcome appears to be a foregone conclusion. How do you think it will play out? What will be the cost of war? (NYT, Feb. 18, 2003)


"It may cost Fox a pretty penny, if the critics' predictions prove correct. Joe Millionaire will tell his lady of choice he's penniless, that he's been lying all along. Then the network will have to cough up a million or so to give to the unhappy couple to soften the blow."

Robert Duncan, CEO


"Both the Joe Millionaire and the Michael Jackson forces are lying like a rug."

Darleen Edwards, Librarian


"That's for sure. Even the allied forces are fighting one another. ABC is going to show their "Jacko sleeps with kids," show again, so Jacko got a gay porn director to push his answer to that on Fox."

Clark Bender, Taxi Driver


"Michael Jackson must have something to hide or else he wouldn't have plastic surgeons changing his face all the time. Talk about saving face."

Terry Jenner, Salesperson


"I'm sure NBC will get to the bottom of that. Theyre going to interview a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon who once actually shared the same office with Jacko's plastic surgeon. "

Ted Daniels, Office Manager


"This is a pretty sick ratings war, but I'm sure you'll all agree that things could be much worse. We could be doing something really stupid, like thinking about bombing a foreign nation."

James Johnson, Business Student

this is a parody of an ONION parody.

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